Apr 30, 20215 min read

Samurai Cop: When Everything Misfire You Should Keep It Warm

Updated: Jan 30, 2023

Reviews by:

@the_owlseyes
@augustkellerwrites

RATE THIS MOVIE

Crafting a good movie is hard. Crafting an exceptional movie is even harder. Crafting a crappy nonsensical bog of utter hebetude which tries to be serious is an epic feat. This movie has been in deep oblivion for ages since its release. It was such a delightful shame that even the people involved disawoved its existence by hiding it in a freaking castle. After its unfortunate discover the movie has resurfaced through Youtube and a scene, which got the movie into the "so bad it's good" prestigious category. All happened after the mega cult of The Room, because the world wanted more feeble-minded gems to talk about. The point is that Tommy Wiseau's movie seems an Oscar nominated movie when compared to this one. Get ready to lose your sanity.

PLOT

"Joe Marshall and Frank Washington are two tenacious police detectives who seek at all costs to stop the Katana, a renegade Yakuza gang composed of violent and sadistic killers who want to lead the drug trade in Los Angeles" or "A guy fails miserably at his job but he gets so laid".

SCRIPT

There are two central characters, two cops which aren't well defined. The caucasian is a cop who trained in japan but he's not able to speak japanese and he knows only the meaning of "katana". He's a ladiesman but also a stalker and I don't know how to sympathize for him. He's a macho of another era, without the charm and charisma of other 80's actors like Stallone or Schwarzenegger. Most of his scene involves sex or sexual innuendo. Every female character is objectified, they're just there to get another man laid or to make you horny. So cringy. There're scene where the dialogues are double meanings about dicks. Sometimes it seems like the first minute of a dated porn movie. The other cop, an afro-american man, it's the comic relief and it's more capable than the main hero. And he's a walking meme. The villains are....there. They have a dumb motivation and a comic execution. They're able to find overconvoluted ways to kill someone or to execute a plan, which makes them unthreatening. Character archs and development are non existent and the plot becomes puzzling after only five minutes in the movie. I don't know how the director has been able to screw up such an easy and forgettable plot.

Script: 2/10

ACTING

You've never seen something that awful. Every actor is bad at his job. The fact that the actors take themselves too seriously make everything even stooper. Maybe one actor, the one who plays the cops chief, seems to understand the mess he's in and he tries to have fun with hsi character. The main actor is painful to watch in every scene but the minor ones offer the best laughs. The action scenes are worse, because there're actors who aren't able to fake death or being shot. It fails at the basics of acting. How?! How is it possible?! How?!

Acting: 1/10

PHOTOGRAPHY

Usual quality of 80's movies. It's neither creative nor deep. It's boring in its uncreativity. Some scenes are unwatchable but it's...somehow bearable.

Photography: 4/10

EDITING

This is so painful and random. Action scenes are incredibly bad cause of too many cuts and a dumb way to insert them in the frame. Some cuts are so sudden and out of nowhere: you could shift from an action scene to a sex scene which is unrelated. The close-ups are too close, too centered and there's always a gap between the head and the top. There isn't consistency from a scene to another: characters who changes ethnicity during cuts, sets which changes without reason. There's also the facts that some scenes drag behind the threshold of bearability. You'll you your death because it's beyond the understandable.

Editing: 1/10

SPECIAL EFFECTS

These are outstanding. Not. The blood is fake, the props are fake and the green screen is worse. People shot with guns, which don't fire anything, and who's hit doesn't bleed, sometimes a tomato's stain appear on the breast but it's not enough. The acting enhance all this crap. It's unbelievable the fact that there isn't a professional effect, not even what is considered an action movie's staples.

Special Effects: 1/10

SOUNDTRACK

At first I thought that it was a SuperMario theme. It's the only track used in this movie. Alright, there're two but the other one is used only in sex loaded scene. The music itself is misplaced and lugs without any reason. There're quiet scenes with an action theme out of nowhere.

Soundtrack: 1/10

COSTUMES

Unfortunately this movie is not even able to ace the costumes. The protagonist has a woman's whig with a cap to conceal its nature. In other scene it's clear that he doesn't have it and what's on his head are his real hair. There's no continuity whatsoever. The other characters have normal clothes but most of the time they're unclothed. The whig is cringy, I still bear it in my head. God, this is usually an easy section.

Costumes: 1/10

CONCLUSION

Script: 2/10

Acting: 1/10

Photography: 4/10

Editing: 1/10

Special Effects: 1/10

Soundtrack: 1/10

Costumes: 1/10

AVERAGE: 1,57

See it. Right now. You have to see it to understand. This is not just bad, this is beyond awful, this is the Hollywood's antichrist. It fails at everything, every single thing. Do I have to say more?

By @the_owlseyes

RATE THIS REVIEW

Samurai Cop is an interesting failure. While its intention is a buddy cop knock-off, its popularity comes from its misguided nature. Everything about Samurai Cop is blatantly terrible, but so much so that it's actually hilarious. First, the dialogue is completely bizarre. Illogical plot points are bluntly delivered, character banter is downright weird, and entire conversations are pointless. The acting doesn't help since most of the cast is uncomfortable with their alien characters, struggling to make sense of their roles. Furthermore, scenes aren't sufficiently edited, showing actors out of character because they assumed the scene concluded.

Meanwhile, Samurai Cop is plagued with further technical issues. Dialogue blares out due to faulty mics. Each camera has a different color temperature, so shots in the same scene look unrelated. Action effects are comically unconvincing, and the protagonist often wears a hysterical wig. Plus, the locations are random homes with distracting decors, clearly not set for filming. Lastly, successive shots of characters from different angles just don't match. They were obviously done in different locations. Ultimately, Samurai Cop has so many fundamental flaws, it becomes quite funny. It's a fascinating watch for anyone who is into filmmaking.

Writing: 1/10

Direction: 0/10

Cinematography: 1/10

Acting: 2/10

Editing: 1/10

Sound: 0/10

Score/Soundtrack: 2/10

Production Design: 0/10

Casting: 1/10

Effects: 1/10

Overall Score: 0.9/10

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