It was always hot when I was with him. Even if it was snowing or raining and the wind was blowing for the rest of the world.
"It's late," I told him, shaking myself from his thin arms, which always became very strong, when passion was about to burst, between us.
"Do you really need to go?" He replied, kissing my neck.
I made an effort. The feelings he gave me were winning. Still.
"Yes. It's time to go back to the real world. »
My phone had already rung three or four times. It was definitely not our first date, but every time I couldn't help but think that the innocent sound of a text was my personal version of midnight for Cinderella.
I needed to go and leave that car which was our refuge; The place where the passion between him and me began, then he lived and died when it was too late for me to stay.
"OK. Just let me smoke one last cigarette and I'll take you home. »
We got out of the car and he lit his cigarette, then he kissed me one more time. I wasn't happy. I hated kissing him, when he smelled like smoke, but I knew I would anyway.
It was like my favorite dish and that detail wasn't enough to stop me being hungry for him.
We had been seeing each other for three months and I basically didn't know why.
Admitting that I liked him seemed impossible, and inconsistent with the labyrinth of pride we got lost in even for silly little things.
Maybe it was chemistry, but I wasn't even too sure, because I thought it was something magical and sweet and blinding. I had watched a million TV shows about chemistry as a teenager, hoping to one day understand what my favorite characters were feeling. There, with him, I could see none of it, but wasted my time waiting for a glimmer.
“You look beautiful today,” he said, halting my thoughts. A small cloud of smoke escaped from his mouth.
I thought he was attractive too. I loved his leather jacket, his shirt and his beard, but I've never been able to tell him.
"I wish I had."
“Do. You know, I mean it. »
In an uncharacteristic rush of affection, I walked up to him, cupped my face in my hands, and kissed him softly.
"It's the first time we've kissed outside," I whispered.
And it was also the first time I'd seen any greenish dots in his brown eyes. We had known each other for years, but it was the first moment I noticed them, as the May sun gently touched their faces. I loved them, but let that moment slip away and said nothing to them. He would never know.
His response was a hard and clear spanking on my ass, which suddenly froze my awkward effort to show any sort of love. I didn't tell him anything, but I wanted to cry. I felt it was the only thing I deserved - a spanking as a response showing feelings. Maybe he saw something in my eyes, because he said to me:
"A penny for your thoughts."
"No thoughts. I just have to go home. »
He finished his cigarette and threw it away, casually.
“Let's go,” she said, and jumped into the car, smiling at me.
She looked happy, but I couldn't figure out why. We didn't fit in. We were incomplete and unfinished and I didn't understand why she wanted to be with me. I never had enough time to experience it.
Who cares, I thought it was our first time outside, and she screwed it. And perhaps, without meaning, he had screwed me too.
“You are so thoughtful. You can talk if you want. »
“I'd better not. We're in the safe and the rule says no arguments here, right? »
“You made this rule because you can't trust me.”
I sighed and tried to calm down, but replacements and regrets that I could never repress suddenly came to mind.
“Remember Victoria, my colleague? She had a flower last week. An anonymous person left it in her car. »
"Why are you telling me such things?"
Regrets and hesitations have given way to cold sweat and rapid heartbeat; Symptoms of my fear of that part of him that I would never get used to.
"Good, because you'd never end up with something like that, but I'd like to."
He suddenly stopped his car at the corner of the street and stared at me.
«I'm not that kind of guy» he declared «If you want something like this, then go find someone else!»
At that moment I realized that we weren't there. We were just two independents who had really wanted me but were never able to become a real couple.
I had honored her request to keep quiet about our relationship, because I thought it might be fun, to have a refuge that the world knew nothing about.
A safe, as we have christened it. It didn't take me that long to realize that I didn't fit the plan and that I hated keeping that secret and needed to see him tell our feelings to the world and to do it myself, lest I feel like I was in jail.
My eyes filled with tears that I had held a couple of minutes earlier. His words hurt me and I felt guilty sticking to me like liquid glue.
It was my fault that he couldn't like me without spanking my butt and that I was in pain. I was lost and couldn't get proper communication with him but he couldn't see him. Maybe it was my fault too.
While I cried, he continued to drive. He didn't look at me or try to cheer me up, because he didn't understand that right now the hole in my heart needed him more than ever.
We were close, but far apart, and that distance was bound to get bigger.
I dried my tears, thinking about those three months with him. About how he'd taken all my energy and how much time I'd wasted, hoping that, sooner or later, he'd be nice to me. About those three words he said to me, but I've never been able to fully believe.
When we got near my house, he stopped the car and looked at me.
“You know I love you, right? I'm in love with you »he said « I know why I fight and hurt and hurt each other, but living without you seems like the worst scenario ever, to me. »
I was not flattered. Love shouldn't be destructive and push you away when you need to. I didn't need such empty words and he knew it very soon.
I close my mouth. I didn't even tell him that he only loved me in our safe and that, in the real world, he wasn't even able to say my name when talking to our acquaintances.
Not that I was better than him. In the real world I ignored him and ran away from him all the time. Maybe I was waiting for him to pick me up, or maybe I knew our timing was as bad as we were.
I smiled and kissed him.
“You're interested too,” I whispered as I stepped out of the car.
He ran away and I watched him until he disappeared. I was about to leave the house the following day.
I moved to another city without saying anything and he never tried to reach me. Not a single call, message, or email.
Maybe that didn't cause him so much trouble, but my life was forever changed.
From @fedrica.marchica
RATE THIS STORY
6
5
4
3
