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Do I need to write a introduction for a movie like that?
No
No
No
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
PLOT
"After losing his parents, a priest travels to China, where he inherits a mysterious ability that allows him to turn into a dinosaur. At first horrified by this new power, a hooker convinces him to use it to fight crime. And ninjas" or "I don't know, there's no sanity here".
SCRIPT
Ahahahaha, doesn't make sense. I've seen worse but this is just bad ahahah. Characters without a clear personality and clear goals. A villain which is dumb and has a stupid motivation. Subplots out of nowhere. Love stories and deaths without a logical reason. It's an enjoyable and despicable mess ahahhah.
Script: 1/10
ACTING
Ahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhaah. There're no actors here. Everyone doesn't give a f**k. I can't give you a glimpse of hope.
Acting: 1/10
PHOTOGRAPHY
It isn't as bad as you think. But it's mildly bad. Light is flat, shadows are randoms and colours aren't relevant. At least it does what's necessary to understand what's happening on the screen. For a movie like that this is a lot.
Photography: 2/10
EDITING
Doesn't work. Sudden cuts, shitty slow motion and other things like that annhilate your brain to oblivion. Some shots are acceptable but they aren't enough to change my idea about the movie.
Editing: 1/10
SPECIAL EFFECTS
Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad.
Special Effects: 1/10
SOUNDTRACK
Doesn't make much sense but at least it's consistent with the movie. It's a blend pop, and unknown, music and instrumental. Pop music is harmless but the instrumental is just bad. This is what you can expect from a director who has worked only on music videos before(even though a lot of renowned directors have done it). Below there's a song which isn't about the movie and I don't know why it's there. Figure it out.
Soundtrack: 2/10
COSTUMES
It's the best section of this movie, because there're good and colourful costumes with some flaws but the worst dino-suit I've ever seen. This is what make it so entertaining. But really, the dino-suit steals the show because it's the cheapest costume you can think about. Lower your expectations. A lot.
Costumes: 2/10
CONCLUSION
Script: 1/10
Acting: 1/10
Photography: 2/10
Editing: 1/10
Special Effects: 1/10
Soundtrack: 2/10
Costumes: 2/10
AVERAGE: 1,42
Finally, you made it through. Now it's time to watch it. No excuses. Your girl and your life can wait. This movie is necessary for your life. Watch it or die.
Ahhhhhh. I'm free finally.
Director: Brendan Steere
Screenplay: Brendan Steere
Cast: Gregory James Cohan, Alyssa Kempinski, Daniel Steere, Aurelio Voltaire, Yang Jiechang, Jesse Turits
Soundtrack: Ali Helnwein, Daniel McCormick
Cinematography: Jesse Gouldsbury
Running Time: 75 minutes
Budget: $35000
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The VelociPastor is an unfunny joke, self-aware but still inept. Every aspect is tacky and lame. Its premise is a pun that gets stale quickly. Setups and payoffs occur instantly, making them unearned. Characters are basic, dialogue is boring, and the story is pointless. There isn't even much raptor action, so a majority of the movie is generic low-budget filler (including overindulgent side stories that halt the narrative). Lastly, the lead actors are okay (though unconvincing), but many of the minor actors are painfully unnatural. Ultimately, the humor is obvious, the plot is trash, and drama is farcical. Basically, no emotions in The VelociPastor work.
Technically, The VelociPastor is incompetent. Locations aren't set, costumes are cheap, and the raptor suit is distractingly bad. The effects are silly makeup or terrible props. The sound is simple, rough, and unequalized. Plus, lighting is overdone, shots are unfocused, and handheld camerawork is chaotic. Really, the only halfway decent aspects are the soundtrack (using inappropriate punk rock songs) and the editing (which has awkward cuts and pacing, but provides split screen montages). Overall, The VelociPastor aims low and still fails. It's annoying, dull, and embarrassing. These amateurs deserve credit for completing the project, but viewers won't find it entertaining.
Writing: 0/10
Direction: 1/10
Cinematography: 1/10
Acting: 1/10
Editing: 3/10
Sound: 2/10
Score/Soundtrack: 3/10
Production Design: 0/10
Casting: 1/10
Effects: 0/10
Overall Score: 1.2/10
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